


Without You, It's Always Winter

by exolunaticshipper



Series: CB Twt Christmas Gifts 2020 [8]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, CB Twt Christmas Gifts 2020, For Lily- Merry Christmas, M/M, MCD, it's kind of broody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28266948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exolunaticshipper/pseuds/exolunaticshipper
Summary: Time is the healer of all wounds, including broken hearts.But that doesn’t mean scars don’t remain- and that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Especially for Baekhyun.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Series: CB Twt Christmas Gifts 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2069256
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	Without You, It's Always Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Dearest Lily,
> 
> Merry Christmas! Take this short fic as a lil Christmas gift (angst as mentioned as best as I can write it!)
> 
> Lots of Love,
> 
> Gegi x

“So, what did you think?!” Chanyeol had blinked up at him form where he had been playing.

“It’s good, probably the best I’ve heard. Who was it written about?”

Chanyeol smiled lightly “I wrote it a long time ago, about you”

Baekhyun set his jaw, lips tight as he stared for a moment. Why didn’t he reach out then and tell him how he felt?

He had convinced himself that a better opportunity to express himself would present itself; a better time, place, narrative.

But it never did.

The opportunity never came and now…

No-one told him that he didn’t have enough time.

He hadn’t had a chance to hold his hand or kiss his lips- his heart shattering like shards of glass littering a dirty alleyway every time he remembered that dimple smile that would never be his again.

He would never have those nimble, talented fingers dance delicately across his face as he had often dreamed of. Instead his dreams were plagued with rancour and disgust, a nightmare version of himself berating his every move for being slow and indecisive.

For, in being slow, he had lost the person, the one person he had cared about more than anything else.

Park Chanyeol was long gone, the stage in the small café his family owned remained untouched as a remembrance of his life- of his musicality and grace when picking up an instrument. An almost shrine to his personality and warmth.

And yet, despite his absence, Baekhyun came by everyday too trace over the outline of the instruments of the man his heart belonged to even so many years later.

And like routine, he would sit on one of the benches, face set hard away from the sorrowful eyes of the customers and of Chanyeol’s parents, envisioning Chaneyol playing in front of him once again, as he had done many a time.

Broken hearts would take time to mend, but Baekhyun didn’t feel his ever would.

“Here sweetheart, some warm soup” The soft voice, jolted him out of his reviere and he managed a small smile to Mrs Park, the woman looked a skeleton of what she used to be when her son was still around.

The pain Baekhyun felt for losing Chanyeol was only multiplied a hundredfold for his parents, who were unbelievably close- cherishing Chanyeol daily despite him being closer to thirty than a child- he would forever be their baby.

“Thank you. I’ll try to eat as much of it as I can”

Even if it had been years since Chanyeol had gone, Baekhyun’s life had duly disintegrated. He imagined it was likely to happen when he had lost his best-friend. It was even worse realising he had lost the love of his life- never being able to confess, tell him how much he loved him- maybe even propose one day in the future with the ring his late father gave him.

None of that would be possible.

And when the realisation had settled in that his future would forever be tarnished by his unbelievable inability to speak up- he had lost the will to live.

No.

He had not wanted to live. His appetite had dwindled- he had wished time and time again that it had been him so that he wouldn’t have to live with the guilt, with the recurring thoughts- or with the nightmares that hunted him on every corner, pacing and racing through his minds to corner him until he crumpled under the weight of the anxiety, breaking apart and crying.

And even now, five years on- enough time to move on- Baekhyun hadn’t.

His heart was trapped, linked with another soul who had been taken away too early. The only times he ate was when Chanyeol’s dearest parents looked after him like their own soon, feeding him and taking him for walks, helping him grieve for as long as he needed.

He suspected they knew how he truly felt about Chanyeol, and he knew they had known how Chanyeol had felt about him.

Usually they let him sit alone, burying himself deep in his thoughts and memories- of all the precious moments they had shared together.

Today, Mrs Park settled down next to him, a gentle hand reaching for his own.

“Baekhyun” She started softly, “I know how you’re feeling. Even now it doesn’t feel fully real, does it?”

Baekhyun can only manage a hum of acknowledgement, the burn of tears stinging the back of his throat making it difficult to speak.

“He brought such a joy to our lives- always happy, always smart- messing around with that little dog of his to no end as well.” Mrs Park chuckled softly, squeezing his fingers “He’d also never stop talking about you- endlessly. We kept telling him to ask you out already so that we could start planning the wedding. But he always said it wasn’t the right time, that he wanted to make sure you were happy with him, and that your happiness came before any relationship.”

The tears were flowing now, no amount of restrain would have been able to prevent the downpour, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed against his hands.

“It’s okay darling. He’s gone- but he’s in here” She placed a finger against Baekhyun’s chest “And no idiot driver will be able to take that away from you.”

Pausing briefly, she stood up, gesturing Baekhyun to follow, her movements slow and frail, the incident clearly having taken a toll on her own well being “Come, I need to show you something. I’m sure you’d like to read it.”

Baekhyun followed numbly, too lost in her previous words to appreciate that he would be getting to experience and keep a new part of Chanyeol’s life.

She reached behind the counter, fingers grasping a thin leather bound planner, handing it over to Baekhyun “He kept a diary of sorts. More a lyric book but- it’s dated and annotated- each song has its own special connection.”

“Connection?” Baekhyun echoed, blinking up to her with wet eyes and stained cheeks;

“Connection to you, sweetheart” She smiled softly, a mirror grin of her son and placed her finger on Baekhyun’s chest- on his heart “A connection to your heart, my dear.”

Baekhyun took up his usual spot the following day after work, knees tucked under his chin as he read through the words. He didn’t stop himself from crying this time, he didn’t stop the hiccupping sobs or the wailing, he didn’t stop the hoarseness of his throat when he cried for help or push the arms that cradled him.

Chanyeol had detailed his love, in the words of the songs he played- in the ones he had played to Baekhyun for months- like his own mini-confession.

Baekhyun cried for the love that he had lost. For that love that would never be his.

It’s two more years when Baekhyun finally takes the steps up to the stage that was once his love’s favourite place. He sings the very last song he wrote in that pretty journal he always keeps with him.

And he means every word.

No one questions it when his voice cracks or when his eyes shine, because they already know what this means to him. This is one way of speaking to Chanyeol.

_Every day I feel like I’m up in the clouds_

_I’m barely hanging in there without you_

_Without you it’s always winter._

_How’s the weather in Seoul?_

_How’s your day? I’ll go back soon_

_I’ll hug you tight. You can rest comfortably in my arms._

_~fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments!
> 
> ~exolunaticshipper


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